Portrait of the Artist as a Young Woman

In Search Of Perspective

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 05:57:19 GMT

I've tried so hard to be cheerful this holiday. I've poured unsafe amounts of coffee down my throat in order to find the motivation to put up and finish decorating our tree. My war with the laundry is deadlocked, but by no means lost entirely, and I've done admirably well getting a majority of the shopping done. The remainder will be finished tomorrow afternoon, God and snow plows willing.

Liam is getting excited for Christmas this year and it really is wonderful to see. Mark's second Christmas without his Dad is by no means jubilant, but it's a far cry from last year's somber festivities. I got a Christmas card from the brother of my heart and I've recently reconnected with a friend I'd lost touch with. My BFFs are fabulous. Even my marriage seems to have made a miraculous recovery. I feel closer to my husband then ever.

So why can't I be happy? I'm so ashamed to say I'm miserable right now. I have everything in the world to be grateful for, and I'm so, so desperately lonely and I don't know why. It feels empty and meaningless, even though my faith isn't even as bankrupt as it was just six months ago. I still find myself eager for it all to be over and forgotten as quickly as possible.

I've always adored Christmas. I used to love seeing my family and having our traditional dinners and listening to carols and going to church on Christmas eve, and all I want right now is for it to be December 26th. What's wrong with me?

Could it be that our family's efforts to maintain our holiday traditions, which grow further and further removed from their past glory with every passing year, destroy their meaning? My father constantly reminds me how much he loathed the stuffy formal dinners my grandpa used to host on Christmas, yet he was nearly beside himself at the thought of not being able to find crackers to pull at the table and would I please see if I could find some? I miss those dinners, but I miss the people at the table more. The table sat eight. Only my dad and I are left to remember those dinners.

It feels like a mockery of the people I loved.

I don't want to be mired in all this grief. Death is a part of life, and nobody's going to stop dying because I haven't caught up accepting the loss of my family.

I would very much like to move on with my life. To start making new traditions, have new experiences and make new memories. I just don't know how to approach the subject with my family, by blood, marriage or otherwise. If it were up to me, I'd be skiing in Colorado right now. Duluth if the money was tight. But away. Far away from the expectations that can't be fulfilled and the empty rituals that make me feel like crap.

I just wish I knew how to make that happen. Or at the very least, to make everything else go away. Or maybe, to just be happy instead of having to pretend.

What Fresh Douchery?

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:03:44 GMT

Says me: Um, this vid = fair use.

Says Fox: Eat shit and die.

Says me: WTF?

Says Fox: You want it, come get it bitch.

Says me: ...

So basically, I have the option to file a counter notice, but that way lies lawyers and wank and I'm torn. On one hand, it's pretty damn heavy handed of them to blanket ban all use of their material, fair or otherwise regardless of legality and that irks the hell out of me. Pretty much enough to want to stick it to them over a three minute video.

On the other hand, it's a three minute video. So I dunno. Anyone else had to deal with this BS?

Holiday Inn

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 22:01:25 GMT

Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: Mature
Summary: A happy Christmas.
Disclaimer: Not mine, all theirs.
Warnings: None.
A/N: Thanks to whichclothes for the inspiration.

Being handcuffed to a chair in the Sunnydale precinct on Christmas Eve wasn’t exactly how Xander had planned on spending his holiday, but it beat out the Drunken Harris Brawl of ’94 by a strong margin.

Vidding Rights

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 16:12:53 GMT

Filled out a dispute form at YouTube today. Don't know if anything will come of it, but I'm pretty sure vidding constitutes fair use. What I really want to know is, how do all the thirteen year old girls making horrible Spuffy vids set to weepy Evanescence songs get their vids through and I get flagged right away? What the crap kind of double standard is that?

Whew.

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 05:32:39 GMT

The tree? Is up.
The shopping? Is done.
Chapter nine? Is posted.
The baby? Is sleeping.

My house? Okay, well that's still a damn wreck, but I've got tomorrow to take care of that and find time in between to finish the two Christmas fics I'm working on, but hell, that's pretty light for December 21, so I say bully for me!

Such A Part Of You 9/13

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 02:26:10 GMT

Title: Such A Part Of You
Author: Emelye
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: Mature
Summary: Sequel to The Resolute Urgency Of Now "Dying for someone you love is easy, it's living for them that's hard."
Disclaimer: Not mine, all theirs.
Warnings: None.

Chapter Nine

Got Vimeo?

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 23:34:29 GMT

I'm looking for someone with a paid account who wouldn't mind uploading my vid. Ning was a bust - they can only handle uploads of 100MB or less. Clearly, that ain't gonna cut it. So here I am, depending upon the kindness of strangers to get this stupid thing out there.

Let me know if you can help.

I Hate YouTube

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:14:47 GMT

Son of a bitch.

Update: There is hope. It's name is Buffytube. That is all.

What?

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:45:25 GMT

If my calculations are correct, it is going to take me six days to upload my video to YouTube.

There has got to be a better way.

I Left My Savvy In My Other Pants

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 14:24:40 GMT

Believe it or not, I've done vids before. Just, this time I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I just can't get the damn thing compressed without a massive tank in quality no matter how I jimmy the bit rate or the frame rate or the damn format or anything. I think I've gone retarded.

I'll keep messing with it until I either figure it out or get sick of it and decide that the choppy rendering adds a surrealist touch. Any suggestions will be welcomed with open arms. I'm using the previous incarnation of iMovie.

Request to Please Bail My Lazy, Creatively Incompetent Ass Out

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 19:27:33 GMT

So, I've a hankering to write some Christmas fic. Because sometimes you need the seasonal schmoop. I've written about eight hundred perfectly usable words and have yet to find a plot in any of them.

Anyone want to help me out here? A prompt? A premise? A request?

Such A Part Of You 8/12

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 23:40:37 GMT

Imma Back!

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 20:31:27 GMT

Survived Thanksgiving by the skin of my teeth. Mother in law decided to be only moderately obnoxious so I actually only had one drink all weekend, which I'd say is damned impressive. Also surprising, Dad was really good with Liam this weekend. I was pretty impressed and am inclined to reward That Sort Of Thing.

On the less impressive front, I think I wrote four words on chapter eight. It's official. Writing dialogue separately only kills my narrative momentum. I now have to wait for my muse to come around again to remember what the hell I was getting at when I wrote all the conversation. Everything is so pedestrian right now it's depressing me into a block.

Still.

They were four, very good words.

Act Three

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:39:46 GMT

And here the rubber meets the road. I've been sketching dialogue all weekend for chapter eight. In response to the overwhelming support for chapter seven I'm trying to be a more brutal editor. Did you know that chapter seven was originally supposed to contain two more scenes? After looking over my outline and reading what I had written (already well above my minimum per-chapter word count), I realized the additional two scenes were largely going to be redundant with the main course of action to come, and so, with trembling hand, I cut them and shifted any necessary bits forward into the following chapter.

The chapter I'm now trying to sort out and distill down to it's crux.

I'm following my instincts on this one. There are two scenes in this chapter I meant to write, but they're not flowing organically and I'm considering alternate ways to move the story forward. Part of this is in response to the fact that the overall story arch is much more angst-ridden than I'd initially intended and the third act of the piece was meant to be a light, fluffy, schmoop fest. (Setting itself up for the third story of the trilogy which will be epically insane).

So I'm basically looking for a way to believably wrap up two or three lines of conflict so that I can move on to the freaking point of the story and the inherent conflicts therein.

I've got a full pot of coffee and a cooperative almost-two-year-old.

I'm feeling optimistic.

Ganked from jameschick

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 05:27:57 GMT

Who is Your Vampire Soulmate?

More on The Vampire Diaries. Created by BuddyTV

Such A Part Of You 7/12

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:29:33 GMT

What? Why? What?

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:09:28 GMT

Why is it that I can only find inspiration to write when I'm supposed to be doing something else?

Urg. I wanted to finish this scene from Chapter Seven I've been working on for three freaking days and the minute I had a second to write, all the momentum went away. Seriously, what is that?

On the plus side, though, I did come up with a freaking hilarious bit with Xander's mom tonight. Well I think it's funny, anyway. Everyone else might think it's stupid.

Whatever. Screw them, I laughed.

Xander Harris Has A Tiki Bar

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:57:47 GMT

Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: Mature
Summary: Sometimes words aren't necessary. And sometimes they are, but it works out anyway.
Disclaimer: Not mine, all theirs.
Warnings: None.
A/N: This is dedicated to whichclothes.

Xander Harris has a tiki bar.

Guard Your Heart

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:20:41 GMT

Warning: Angst and unrequited feelings.

Guard Your Heart

Such A Part Of You 6/12

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:14:55 GMT

Ho Hum

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:20:44 GMT

Chapter six is about half way written. I blame my poor planning. The outline is weak and I'm suffering for it by having to do my thinking on the fly. Oh well.

Not up for NaNoWriMo this year. The thought of imposed deadlines sends me into paroxysms of dread. That being said, I'm thinking about writing something original soon. Since my ex feels no compunctions whatsoever about mining our relationship for publishable creative fodder, I see no reason why I can't do the same. It was an intense, if short lived experience and my memories are vivid. Semi-autobiographical fem-slash to come.

I've been doing some songwriting as well. Some of it doesn't suck. I'm considering hiring myself out to coffee houses to get my stage legs back. Barring that, I'm planning on auditioning around the theater circuit. I'm tired of having no life, and now that Mark is finally recognizing my right to have one, I can't afford to not take advantage of the opportunity.

Things with him have been markedly improved. We had a big fight yesterday in which he drove me to the airport under the auspices of my leaving for good and resulted in tears, confessions and recriminations in the MSP short term parking lot. Let it never be said I don't know how to bring the drama. It's good though. I told him off for being a killjoy, negative energy drain, and he agreed to get anti-depressants. I also clarified that I was more interested in a partner than a foil. This was evidently news to him. I'm starting to suspect myself of being epically uncommunicative. I have resolved to speak my mind loudly, bluntly and often from here on in.

I think I've finally passed that threshold in which I'm no longer distressed by not having plans for halloween and perfectly content to stay in. This time last year I was nearly in tears at having to miss a party I had been invited to. This year, not so much. I hope that's a sign of maturity and not that I've finally resigned myself to having no social life.

Counting down the days until I'm the mother of a two year old with dread and anticipation. I don't think he'll be as bad as my sister was at two, but parenting has been growing steadily more difficult as the weeks tick by. At the same time, however, his language skills are developing along with his personality and there are a lot more laughs and wonderful moments to balance out the bad.

Good times.

Dreams, Editing and the Creative Process

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:52:26 GMT

One of my friends gave me a really great quote about the writing process which would be very poignant and witty and which I promptly forgot and can't be bothered to look up right now to reproduce here. Sorry. Basically, it's all about the daily life of a writer being that which feeds and informs the writing. When I get too far into myself - heavy on the reading and writing, light on the living - my writing gets pretty stale. So I'm pacing myself with frequent breaks for coffee, bill paying, mothering, and all the rest of the stuff that makes up the lives of the people I write about when they're not doing terribly interesting/erotic/dangerous/exciting things.

Also, I've been sort of/kind of putting together a fanvid for fall_for_sx. Unofficially, because I've never done a festival before and deadlines are the surest way to get me to NOT finish something, but I've caught the spirit and so I've spent a few days staring at my editing software with a tension headache.

On a humorous note, my subconscious is having a field day with my forthcoming pilgrimage. Last night I dreamt I had dinner with James Marsters at his house. With his girlfriend. Brigitte Nielsen.

I don't know what was funnier about this scenario, the fact that James was snapping up Flavor Flav's leftovers or the image of the three of us looking like the frigging Verizon bars.

Overload

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 07:22:31 GMT

I started Repossession two days ago.

It is 2:08 in the damn morning.

I'm on chapter 91.

I CANT BELIEVE I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

Such A Part Of You 5/12

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:40:18 GMT

Ugh, boredom.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 03:51:54 GMT

So obviously posting chapter five is taking a bit longer than the customary week. I dunno. This whole cranking out a chapter a week thing sounds easy enough when you're on a roll, but if the words ain't coming I don't want to force it and phone in a chapter that really deserves better. This one has been a major struggle.

In a lot of ways, I think it's going to be a good deal more popular than the last few chapters by default, but I'm torn now between extending the end of the chapter into a scene that might not be strictly necessary, but might be very satisfying to write from an emotional standpoint. It's not smut, either, so that should tell you something about my state of mind right now. Maybe I'll just write it for myself and decide if I want to keep it in later. I don't know. Sorry if that's vague, I just don't want to spoil anything for the three people who follow my journal and actually read my fic. ; )

Things at home aren't bad. Aren't great either, but no major disasters this week so I'd call that a tick in the plus column. Took Liam to his first Twins game on Sunday. He had a great time waving his homer hanky.

I think maybe it's time to get back on those meds. I feel that undertow of malaise is pulling at me again, and I'm really getting tired of swimming against it, side effects be damned.